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Feeling Lonely: What It's Telling You and How to Reach Out
Feeling lonely is common, and Beyond Blue describes it as the gap between wanting to connect with people and being able to connect with them. That gap is the signal your need for connection is not being met, not proof that you are bad at people. One small thing you can do right now is contact a family member, workmate or neighbour, because healthdirect says that may help you feel more supported and they will likely appreciate hearing from you.
What loneliness is telling you
Sometimes it helps to name the feeling plainly. As healthdirect puts it, loneliness is a negative feeling that happens when you do not have the kind of social relationships you want.
None of this means you have to fix it by force of personality. As Beyond Blue says, connecting with others is a skill you can learn and practice, so early awkwardness is practice rather than failure.
Start smaller than you think
Begin below the level of a big heart-to-heart. Beyond Blue suggests starting out small, such as saying hi to a neighbour or shopkeeper.
Small talk counts more than it feels like it does. The NHS suggests starting small conversations when you are out, for example in shops or in a GP waiting room.
If you want a reason to see the same faces again, try a group with a focus. The NHS suggests joining a group or class that focuses on something you enjoy, and you could ask to go along and just watch first if you feel nervous.
Another small door is your own home. The NHS also suggests inviting someone over, even for a short visit.
Keep it regular, not perfect
Little contacts add up better than one perfect coffee date. The NHS suggests getting in touch with people regularly, because most of us love hearing from others, and being a bit more sociable can make it easier to reach out when you notice any signs of loneliness.
Making it a habit can remove some of the decision-making. The US National Institute on Aging, writing with older adults in mind, suggests scheduling time each day to stay in touch with family, friends and neighbours, in person, by email, social media, voice call or text.
Talking openly can help
Saying the quiet part out loud can ease it. The NHS says talking openly about loneliness can help, and hearing a familiar voice or seeing a friendly face can make people feel less isolated.
You do not need the right words for it to be worth saying something. The NHS says talking to someone could help you find a solution, even if it is hard to explain why you feel lonely.
If your first try feels flat
Connection rarely lands perfectly on the first go. As Beyond Blue says, it might take a few goes to get connection right, so do not get upset if your first attempt is not what you expected.
You could try a message such as, “Hi, I was thinking of you — how are you?” and treat a short reply as a normal start, not a rejection.
A bigger step: clubs, groups and volunteering
When you feel ready for more, widen the circle. Beyond Blue suggests reaching out to friends or family, joining a club, or volunteering when you are ready.
Volunteering can carry its own point beyond meeting people. healthdirect says volunteering is a great way to meet people, feel connected to your community and find a sense of purpose.
When to talk to a person
Sometimes self-help is not the right size for the problem. healthdirect says if you feel lonely or isolated, you can talk to your doctor or a counsellor for support and advice.
The site’s guide to talking to a person says plainly: if low mood has lasted more than two weeks, if you have stopped enjoying most things, or if it is getting in the way of work, study or looking after yourself, talk to a GP or a licensed counsellor.
If you want to put it into words first, Wren, the AI on this site, can listen; it is an AI program, not a person, therapist or counsellor. And if you are thinking about harming yourself or do not feel safe, you can find people to reach now on the urgent help page.
You do not have to become a different person to feel less lonely. Pick one small contact today, let it be ordinary, and keep going gently from there.